I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
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He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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