yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
