I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
