Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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