She's JV to your varsity
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
