got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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