I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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