just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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