I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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