Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
