I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
