ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
