i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
