I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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