On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
