Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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