dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
