Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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