I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
