do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
