Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
