Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
