these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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