We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
