I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
