i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
