my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
