She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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