White coat. Heels.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
