I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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