i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
