he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
