haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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