What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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