I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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