Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Randomize
