Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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