I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
