I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
