Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Houston, we have a squirter
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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