Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
