I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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