im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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