1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just threw up on my dentist
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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