That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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