p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
