He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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