My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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