I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
