We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
