There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
