She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
