I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish you could order shots online.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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