how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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