were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
