you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
