I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
