So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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